Low Maintenance Troop

A long time ago, in another lifetime perhaps, I remember being tasked with the Leading of Young Soldiers.  Hard work, dedication, discipline; all of those were important parts of the military ethos which I tried to instill in them.  But above all of them, more important by far, I wanted each and every one of them to be a Low Maintenance Troop.

There’s an old saying in the army: “Solve it at the lowest level!” It’s usually offered up as a rebuke to some hapless Private, who in terror of all things brass just asked his section commander whether he ought to mop in a clockwise, or a deodesil manner, but it’s deeper meaning encapsulates everything that a Military ought to be.

It’s obvious that an army’s main purpose is warfare; but you’ll frequently find the troops being deployed during ice storms, flooding, or any other time “Everything goes to the Fuck,” as female Master Corporals are known to say.  That’s because in the preparation for war, armies learn skills deeper and more fundamental: they learn to establish order in the face of utter chaos.

Imagine an wave of nanomachines, tearing away at the randomness of the universe.  That’s what the military – and air traffic controllers, and firefighters, and all other such brotherhoods – are ultimately out to accomplish.  Coordinated negentropic agents.

And none of that works if the boys on the front line can’t operate on their own.

So that’s where the saying comes from.  It’s a step beyond platitudes such as ‘Think for yourself’ and ‘Take responsibility’ – it’s not a personal affirmation, it’s the demand of the system. Solve it at the lowest level.  Your superiors don’t have the time, inclination, or desire to know about petty problems.  Keep your shit tight, your kit organized, muckle onto any situations that develop, and be ready for 5 minutes Notice-To-Move.

In the real world things work quite differently.

In this Awful Dystopia that we’ve voted into being, the opposite holds true.  Don’t take responsibility for things – just follow procedure.  Don’t get involved – otherwise you’ll be the one punished.  Don’t fix things that are broken – failure to report to the proper authorities can result in a fine or up to six months in prison.

Ever been in a fist-fight at a mall food court, over a disputed claim of property rights to half of a Big Mac?  If you haven’t, I’m sure you’ve been witness to one.  Next time you see this bit of street theatre go down, ask one of the Security Guards (dutifully taking notes) what would happen to them if they intervened.

Just remember you hear it here first, ladies and gents: if the Security Guard intervenes he’ll get fired.  And if you intervene you’ll probably get banned from the mall for twenty years time.

Learned Incompetence, I think it’s called; we’re taught to be snivelling cowards who phone the police over noise complaints of all things.  Almost none of us own weapons, and if your neighbours find out that you do, they’ll be begging the cops to go do something about it!  Somehow this damn fool notion that Police are there to protect us has caught sway, no matter how many court cases attest to the fact that – at best – they’re there to clean up afterwards, and even that ain’t specifically legally mandated.

People often say that the problem with this world is that there’s too many Lawyers.  Horseshit.  A good 70% of the legal profession is made up of Good Guys (the other 30% consisting Crown attorneys and those who demand enforcement of handicapped accessibility statutes).  They’re just trying to help folk navigate their way through this byzantine nightmare.  The real problem in this ‘litigious society’ is the laws.  The laws written by politicians.  And who’s to blame for the politicians?

That’s right: the electorate.

No wonder the military refers to them as “Mouth-breathing Civie Pukes.”