Family is Something You Earn

With American Thanksgiving upon us, I can’t help reflecting on my own family – my parents, my siblings, nephews and nieces. It hasn’t always been easy for us. My parents divorced in the early nineties – I understand why it happened, but I can’t help feeling that things might have gone differently if we’d been living in a society that supported marriage, and if we hadn’t been hit so hard financially during those years. Between me and my siblings we’ve had some pretty major disagreements – even stopped speaking for extended periods of time. But last month, on Canadian Thanksgiving, we all came together and had a wonderful evening with one another. Blood is thicker than water, and I really cherished the time we spent together.

I’ve been working hard on improving my relations with my family members. On being less acerbic and combative, not letting the acridity of politics tear down bridges, and being more forgiving of slights. I’ve also tried to be more apologetic for the times I’ve slighted them. Staying focused on the good will I have for them, rather than holding on to the petty resentments over things that happened years ago. And so have all of them.

We earned that Thanksgiving dinner.

I wonder, do people treat family as an entitlement? People who are forced to hang out with you, and be subjected to whatever toxicity you spew forth? I think there’s something to this. All children grow up with some sort of trauma – coming to grips with the imperfections of this world, and the imperfections of your parents, is part of maturing as a person – and working through that trauma is a necessary part of self-development. But your resentments aren’t sacred, despite the popular attitude that your parents are the source of all your woes. They very well might be – but if so, then they’re also the source of all your blessings. Resentments are a burden to be let go, not a badge of martyrdom to wear in perpetuity.

Does modern culture promote this attitude? I’ve always been suspicious of the sitcoms – friendship and family are accomplished too easily on those, the guest stars are disposable, and the main characters always make up because the actor’s on contract. Certainly, the Western virtue of individualism has been inflamed into a vice, where so many people are willing to abandon their loved ones because they don’t serve the needs of the moment.

Family is special. Few, if any, friendships achieve the same sort of bond. But it requires humbleness and gentleness to be around people who know you as well as they do. It’s easy to make bold statements about traditionalism – far harder to walk the talk, and work to mend whatever rifts might have developed between you and your loved ones over the years.

So for all of you who are going home to see your family this Thanksgiving, I urge you to be patient; to be gentle; to turn the other cheek at slights, and to give your loved ones the emotional room that they need to feel secure. It’s not easy, and it’s not quick, but if you give it time – and if they choose to build the bridge from their side – the pay off is wonderful.

Family is something sacred, family is something earned. Don’t take yours for granted.

God Bless, and a happy Thanksgiving to all of you.